Q: What is wrong with me, or lacking in me
perhaps, when married men approach me with their story of
bedroom dissatisfaction with their wives? I have had three
affairs which began like this and I find it hard to get 'rid' of
them as time goes on. They offer me help in various forms like
fixing the car or doing a small repair job. I know it is a form
of blackmail to keep me emotionally tied to them, but what can I
do to make them stay away in the initial stages. They won't take
'no' for an answer. They were all very consistent in their
constant approach, which I guess was to break me down. I need to
know how to deal with the one I have now and the next one who
might come along, without feeling guilty or getting angry with
them. Makes it much harder when you work with them. I am in the
older age bracket and alone at the moment. Please advise.
A:
What is it that occurs for you within the initial interaction
with these men? Do you know?
Do you feel it is up to you to resolve their personal issues?
In reality a man expressing his dissatisfaction with regard to
his marital situation is an age old ploy. However, what is of
interest is what happens within you when you are faced with
these situations. Why is it you are drawn in - what happens? So
they offer assistance with mundane things - you CAN say NO. You
say, 'they won't take no for an answer.' They won't if they
believe they can eventually influence you to their way of
thinking. I wonder if the idea of saying NO at all is difficult
for you. At the end of the day, these men are all married!!!
You write as if you have no say at all in the matter of your
life - 'I need to know how to deal with the one I have now and
the next one who might come along.' It is only with more
understanding of your own reactions to a situation that you can
change your historical approach to a situation.
If you would care to discuss any of these issues further, let me
know and I'll give you a number to contact me.
Q: From recent sexual activity I have
been left with bruising on my back (from fingers being dug in,
that is). This leaves me with a sense of satisfaction in a way
that I have not felt since my first sexual experience which
actually left my back bloodied. I'm a little lost as to why I
feel such a sense of accomplishment at someone causing me pain
in return for giving them pleasure?
A: It is in its own way an affirmation of your own animalistic
and quite natural tendencies. Your partner's animalistic response
reflects, maybe even affirms the aggressiveness of your own lovemaking (
something you can't do overtly). The satisfaction comes from the
acknowledgement of that deep animalistic aspect of yourself. Growl and
take pleasure in yourself...
Q: What can be done to reconcile a feeling of
vulnerability with pent up aggression that tends to be vented at
potentially inopportune moments?
A: I would not try to immediately 'force' a
reconciliation between these apparently opposing emotions,
rather I would suggest initially viewing them in tandem and if
possible dispassionately - through meditation and/or journalling.
How does one emotion complement the other, if one emotion is
felt, is there an immediate reactive response from the other?
How does that play itself out? Are there particular
situations (overt/covert), particular individuals who 'prime'
these responses? Over the next weeks observe your triggering
mechanisms and write them down. Note when you feel the pent up
aggression, what stirred it? Is there an immediate desire to
return to a feeling of vulnerability? Contact me again in a
couple of weeks and let me know how this process is working for
you....
